There is a woman inside me I call “feral wolf”. I don’t know when she was born, but I met her about 5 years ago. I did a meditation to meet my shadow self and was led into my basement. She was crouched on a bench and growling. She was wearing animal skins. She did not talk, she snarled. She did not want a hug or to talk about dreams. She was angry.
I sat next to her for a little while. I wondered what wisdom she had for me and tried to be OK with her within me. Then, I left her in the basement and opened my eyes.
There are parts of myself that I don’t like. I have been told that I am too intense, too loud, too aggressive, and too angry. I chastise myself for not thinking before I speak, and being too emotional. These things get be in trouble more than I would like to admit.
For most of my life, I pushed this secret shame deep down inside me and tried to be sweeter, kinder, more patient. To all the people who know me, I still try to be all these things.
I thought of my feral wolf from time to time. I practiced being OK with her. But just recently, I finally realized that SHE is exactly what I have been missing.
It is the Complexity That Makes You Extraordinary
We perceive some of our qualities as weaknesses, things to be ashamed of or hidden away and controlled. But when we deny our shadows, we are rejecting ourselves.
And it takes effort to cut off a part of yourself. As I have explained before, when I tell you not to think of an elephant, you immediately think of an elephant. Similarly, cutting off a part of you requires a lot of distraction and avoidance. Maybe you turn to eating (like I did), or maybe you choose cannabis, alcohol, or staying busy. Then, when that doesn’t work, maybe you need to eat more?
What if you could find a way to love the part of yourself you wished didn’t exist?
Each of us is a complex being, with qualities that people admire and qualities we might wish were different. It is this very complexity that makes us extraordinary, giving each one of us a unique fingerprint. It is the complexity that makes the good parts so luminous.
Think of chocolate. If it was only sweet, would it be as magnificent? Or consider the rush of spring fever on those first sunny days when the flowers start to bloom. It is the bitter notes of chocolate that make it dance on your tongue! It is the long gray winter that brings the giddiness and MAGIC to those sunny spring days!
So why then do we only love parts of ourselves?
The Qualities We Hide Are Bringing Us Gifts
The qualities you find shameful are often your greatest strengths in disguise. Debbie Ford, in her book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, explains this beautifully: “All of your so-called faults, all the things which you don’t like about yourself are your greatest assets. They are simply overamplified… Just turn down the volume a little. Soon, you, and everyone else, will see your weaknesses as your strengths, your ‘negatives’ as your ‘positives.’ They will become wonderful tools, ready to work for you rather than against you.”
I kept my “the feral wolf” locked away and hidden deep inside, because women aren’t supposed to be aggressive, angry, or loud. I was ashamed of her and longed to be sweet. If I could be like other women, then maybe I could be loved. But the more I recognized her existence, the more I realized that she was an important part of my life. She stood up for me in my darkest moments.
At the end of my marriage, I realized that she had been signaling all that time how miserable I was. But I was so busy trying to keep her hidden and not listen, trying to be the “good” woman who doesn’t make waves, that I couldn’t hear what she was trying to tell me.
She wasn’t my shameful secret, she was my protector.
When I finally acknowledged her existence, I realized that she is exactly what was missing in my life. By allowing myself to hear her wisdom meant that I could be more vocal and she would keep me safe. Her aggression became self-advocacy and healthy boundaries. Her fierce protectiveness became unwavering commitment to my own well-being.
When we stop fragmenting our energy trying to hide who we really are, we show up more authentically. We become more ourselves and step into our power.
The Shadow Work Practice: Meeting Your Hidden Power
Debbie Ford offers a powerful meditation for meeting your shadow self. I invite you to try this:
Ground yourself and take a few deep breaths. Close your eyes and imagine stepping into an elevator:
- First, ride the elevator up several floors. When the doors open, walk into a beautiful garden and meet your higher self. That most evolved, radiant version of you. Spend time with this aspect. Notice what she looks like, how she moves, what she says to you.
- Then, step back into the elevator and ride it down seven floors. When the doors open, you are now in a dark, dingy basement. This is where you’ve been keeping the parts of yourself you’ve rejected. Who or what do you find here? What qualities have you been hiding?
Allow yourself to sit with her with curiosity? Compassion? Ask her if she has any messages or gifts for you? This might feel uncomfortable. That’s OK. This part of you has been protecting you in the only way it knew how.
The Invitation: Stand Fully in Your Light
If you are overweight (and even if you aren’t) you have had a lifetime of society telling you that you aren’t good enough. It is time to change the narrative. The invitation is to re-frame the parts you are ashamed of and embrace your full complexity. Through re-framing and turning down the volume just enough, you discover your hidden superpowers:
- The woman who calls herself “too sensitive” might actually be deeply empathic and intuitive.
- The woman who beats herself up for being “controlling” might actually be brilliant at organizing and creating structure.
- The woman who hides her “selfishness” might simply be learning to honor her own needs.
- The woman who suppresses her “anger” might be ignoring her inner compass that knows when something is wrong.
You are too extraordinary to keep fragmenting yourself into acceptable pieces. When you embrace your shadow and welcome home ALL the parts of yourself, something magical happens. You stop using food to numb the discomfort of rejecting yourself. You stop needing external validation because you accept yourself. You start claiming your full power.
I call my feral wolf up from the basement to take her place at my shoulder like she belongs. And by accepting her, I realize she is no longer so angry. Instead, she has become my advocate and greatest asset.
What part of you is waiting to be welcomed into your life? You are extraordinary, even if you don’t fully believe it yet.
P.S. If you’re tired of fighting against parts of yourself and ready to break free from the food patterns that keep you small, book a Release Weight Strategy Call. I’d love to support you on your journey.
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