Each of us has pieces that we keep hidden. Maybe we are ashamed or embarrassed of these aspects.
Sometime in our early years we learn that parts of ourselves are not acceptable. We learn how to hide these pieces so that we can be accepted by the tribe. For most of human history, being accepted by the tribe was the only way to survive. Human life was harsh, and we all had to work together. Life is hard alone even today, just ask any single mother.
We develop ways to keep ourselves in the tribe – we act like everyone else. Maybe we help others whenever they ask or we work really hard? And these behaviours work, at least for a time.
But none of us are the same. And all of us have needs. If we are supressing ourselves too hard, we have to find ways to cope. We stay busy or eat to avoid feeling that nagging voice inside or uncomfortable feelings. And eventually these strategies for dealing with life start to show cracks. We are worn out from all that work, we are overweight and unhealthy from eating to numb ourselves.
Instead of coping and getting by, there is another way. You can go deeper and explore these hidden pieces and beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
For most of my life I believed I was “too intense” and “different”. This meant that I spent a lot of my time trying to keep myself small and fit in. The voice in my head (my “inner critic”) was always pointing out my mis-steps and social awkwardness. I tried to act “normal” harder, and numbed the discomfort by eating. When I did something well, I didn’t even acknowledge my accomplishment or hear the praise.
When you feel undeserving, it is hard to give yourself the love and care you need. Often, you will chase these things and wear yourself out trying to prove that you are deserving. Yet, this worthiness cannot come from someone else. You have to recognize your own value.
Learning to embrace our whole selves allows us to re-write our story.
The late Debbie Ford was a coach and author known for her work on the shadow self. Our shadow is the parts of ourselves that we find difficult to accept. In her book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers she explains that we release the judgements of ourselves by embracing these parts. She explains, “Each aspect within us needs understanding and compassion. If we are unwilling to give it to ourselves how can we expect the world to give it to us?” When we use our energy to suppress parts of ourselves and hide them from others, we dim our light and wear ourselves out. All qualities have hidden strengths. “All of your so-called faults, all the things which you don’t like about yourself are your greatest assets,” Ford says.
In the book Atomic Habits, author James Clear explains that the first step to change is to decide on the core identity you wish to be. When we change who we are, we change our behavior.
A few years ago, I attended a festival workshop called SoulCollage. We were guided to to make a mini-collage for one aspect of ourselves that we wished to embrace. I looked through the bin of images and put together a wildly eccentric lady scientist floating in space amidst fireworks, microbes, and jellyfish. It was too remind myself of the power of my intensity and eccentricity.
It has taken a few years more, but I have finally realized that this intensity and eccentricity is my superpower. It is my differences that have allowed me to work on a new business venture of my own to teach women how to enjoy life more authentically. My intensity and differences are helping me choose a new path that is big and bold and a little bit crazy. A path only I could follow.
What are the pieces of yourself that you keep hidden? What if that piece even holds a superpower that only you contain?
You are extraordinary. And a new way is possible.
References
- Amy Wenzel, “Modification of core beliefs in cognitive therapy.” In Standard and innovative strategies in Cognitive Behavior Therapy, edited by Irismar Resi de Oliveria (Rejeka, Croatia: InTech, 2012): 17-34.
- Debbie Ford, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers:: reclaiming your power, creativity, brilliance and dreams (Riverhead Books, 1999).
- James Clear, Atomic Habits: Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results (New York, New York: Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House, 2018).
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